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    February 2009
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  • What I said before

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the post…still processing….not coherent thoughts yet…

PROCESSING COHERENT thoughts….things that we are doing right now.Keep this in mind reading this post.

We have always known ‘who’ Spencer’s birth father is, as in his name.  We have known his name (N) and how he and Spencer’s birthmom (D) knew each other. We have known D’s side of the story about how they became involved, intimate and in that place to conceive a child. We have nothing from N’s just a name and age and an old video with some really quick glances of him from around the time Spencer was conceived. We have researched his last name and found some facts out about the name. We also know that he was over 6 foot tall. We did not know much….about the family…we know they knew about Spencer and the adoption.  Mom was PG with N’s baby sister at the time..she was not going to be able to bring Spencer to the family. We have been told Spencer is not the first ops for N too…but we don’t have any proof of that.

Did not… until a few days ago. Until I was visiting D’s facebook site and saw that she had a new ‘friend’, N…Now a face…and real face, still shot…call Richard, click on that face…look at a bunch of random pics from his recent wedding…many pics of him…the face that would be like Spencer’s.  Not exact, but similarities…Spencer is not all D….Pictures of N’s parents…his siblings…Spencer’s Aunt, that is less then a year his elder…WOW was the exact feeling that came over me…then dread then angst then well you get it I could go on and on….Swiriling around were so many thoughts of Spencer first then Richard then N..

This is someone Spencer should know…should be able to put a face to…and so much more, more then I can talk about here and now.  Then Richard…never having had to deal with, talk about another father…and N….does his wife know anything about Spencer….what will N’s reactions be if we contact him.  Do we talk to Spencer first and then N and hope for the best or do we talk to N and then Spencer when we know what the outcome will be…”yes, contact me again or no get the hell out of my life”. How will that decision effect us…Richard and I and our decision to tell Spencer about him and when.

SO much to think about so much to decide and so much excitement and anxiety…good golly

more later.


4 Responses

  1. You could probably get a million different opinions and inputs on this one, and it is so subjective, who is to say what is “right.” If it were me though, I would hold out for until Spencer asks about him before trying to make contact.

  2. d, i decided a few hours ago that my thoughts on this should really be written out so you can share them with richard, though i still want to talk to you about it. i’m going to compose an email to you tomorrow and try to get it your way by the early evening so you can read over it before we talk.

    it’s complicated. i was very closely involved (obviously) and by virtue of being the sister, saw a lot of things my parents didn’t. my sister isn’t real good at communicating herself, and my impression is that she’s repressing a lot of what happened that year. unless you are soft pedaling a few things in this post, there were some problems that were glossed over for you and richard, especially regarding N’s mother. we were trying very hard to keep my sister in a positive place those last few months and didn’t want to poison you against someone you’d never had a chance to meet, especially since he is the birth father.

    it’s been eight years, maybe N has grown? the prospect of further complicating Spence’s birth history by telling you unhappy details about his birth father leaves me very shaky and nervous, but putting myself in your shoes, they are, point blank, the sort of things i would need to know about before making a decision like this, eight years gone or not. i will offer all the appropriate disclaimers, promise.

  3. J…I appreciate your input and am waiting to read more and talk with you.

    R…your right I will get a lot of POV here and that is what I am hoping for …I appreciate yours

  4. no advice here… except to proceed slowly and make sure you and R are united completely. thanks for sharing this with us. lots to ponder and pray about…

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