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    December 2018
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  • What I said before

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for those who wonder…

I have not forgotten about the update post about Spence’s birth father N.  I have had a talk with my friend at our agency and we are set to go and visit Oma and Opa and have a talk with them. I have talked Aunt Judy’s ear off and she has given me so much information to digest. The  plan is, that by the end of March, we should be in the home strech with a decision and a plan of action.  So look for something about that whole thing after the 22nd of March.  Thanks for asking and for your words of encouragement. I have not forgotten you all.

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I love my mother to death…

…but sometimes she really pisses me off…I am over it…it did not last long..but man…she can grate on me…I guess that is a mothers job to some degree…I am certain that my boys would and do say the same things about me (or will very soon).

I had the gall to talk to her a little bit about my situation with N and ‘my discoveries’.  She went right into mother mode, trying to tell me, her 46 year old daughter, what to do and not to do. After her initial ‘scolding’ she tamed herself down and made such statements as, ‘I know we don’t agree on a lot of things about adoption’, and ‘I know that your situation is different from mine’ (ya think? for pete sake my brother is going to be 41 this year!) and just a bunch of other things before letting me get a word in edge wise.  I think what really threw her off is that I said that Spencer has a half sister out there somewhere.  (FYI, in case anyone forgot, so does Griffin and she had issue when I talked about that too) How about,” he already has so many people that love him” cause more loving him is a bad thing? She is worried about D and her entire family and what they will think…. She doesn’t want me to,”complicate Spencer’s little life any more”, her words not mine. I get where she is coming from, I do understand her, we have the same feelings about these things…I think I have a more educated view, and again, a totally different situation then she and my dad had when they adopted my brother.  Times are different. So for now I have satisfied her that I am just talking to our SW at The Cradle. The most I am interested in right now is to see if he wants pictures and a bit of information about how Spencer is and what he likes and such.  I am not giving out our names or address or anything else. I am not agreeing to meet him or talk to him on the phone even.  I explained to her that if I do nothing with this information and do not make an attempt at involving him even a little bit, then I did not do all I could do for Spencer. I could not tell him someday that I did what I could.  I can not make someone do something they don’t want to do.   If I do this and N closes us off, then, well, I tried.  I will leave it with N that if he ever changes his mind and does want pictures he should contact The Cradle.  I think my mom is good with that. For now….I do not know how much my SIL reads here anymore but I am sure she would tell you this is my mom’s style.

So for now we wait.  I talk to our social worker tomorrow and we start a conversation…let’s see where it goes. Sorry mom…I know it is not what you really deep inside think is right. Sometimes a grown woman makes decisions for herself…

a long talk, a lot of searching and another discovery…

Thanks you ‘burnbeforereading’ (BBR), for the talk this morning.  You brought a lot of things into better perspective from your families POV.  I appreciate that.

After BBR and I hung up I did a little bit more reading at N’s facebook page. I found out that he has three sisters and a brother and he appears to have partial custody of a daughter or at least visitation. (she would be younger then Spencer I am assuming because I think Spencer was his first and yes that means half blood sibling doesn’t it). He is married less then a year and his dad had a recent cancer scare. N is a smoker and has attempted to quit. There is more but I think this proves my point.  For those of you who don’t think you can get much off a facebook page…think again…I got all this in about 20 minutes of reading back posts. I also did a white pages search and found his home address and his parents address. I could show up on his door tomorrow if I wished.

COULD I BE A CYBER STALKER??!!

Maybe, but ask yourself this??? could you have your very own cyber stalker and not even know it??  Cause I am certian that N has no idea that I have all this information on him already.  I am POSITIVE. There is no way that he could know. But being naive I did not know I could find this much info out about someone in such a short amount of time and with so much ease so maybe he could know…

I think the next step is to contact The Cradle. To talk with a social worker about the best way to handle contact. With the further information I have received from BBR I think it is a wise decision. Things we are considering right now, contact with N through The Cradle with first names and photos. That gives him a chance to see us and Spencer and learn a very little bit about our family and to take it all in.  He can decide to do nothing with it or not. A bridge I do not need to cross for now. So I will be contacting our social worker at that we used with Griffin’s adoption.  She can guide us or send us to the right person.  I did not get on well with the social worker that we had with Spencer’s adoption so I am assuming that I do not have to work with her (even if she heads the domestic adoption program now)!!

and so it goes…

the post…still processing….not coherent thoughts yet…

PROCESSING COHERENT thoughts….things that we are doing right now.Keep this in mind reading this post.

We have always known ‘who’ Spencer’s birth father is, as in his name.  We have known his name (N) and how he and Spencer’s birthmom (D) knew each other. We have known D’s side of the story about how they became involved, intimate and in that place to conceive a child. We have nothing from N’s just a name and age and an old video with some really quick glances of him from around the time Spencer was conceived. We have researched his last name and found some facts out about the name. We also know that he was over 6 foot tall. We did not know much….about the family…we know they knew about Spencer and the adoption.  Mom was PG with N’s baby sister at the time..she was not going to be able to bring Spencer to the family. We have been told Spencer is not the first ops for N too…but we don’t have any proof of that.

Did not… until a few days ago. Until I was visiting D’s facebook site and saw that she had a new ‘friend’, N…Now a face…and real face, still shot…call Richard, click on that face…look at a bunch of random pics from his recent wedding…many pics of him…the face that would be like Spencer’s.  Not exact, but similarities…Spencer is not all D….Pictures of N’s parents…his siblings…Spencer’s Aunt, that is less then a year his elder…WOW was the exact feeling that came over me…then dread then angst then well you get it I could go on and on….Swiriling around were so many thoughts of Spencer first then Richard then N..

This is someone Spencer should know…should be able to put a face to…and so much more, more then I can talk about here and now.  Then Richard…never having had to deal with, talk about another father…and N….does his wife know anything about Spencer….what will N’s reactions be if we contact him.  Do we talk to Spencer first and then N and hope for the best or do we talk to N and then Spencer when we know what the outcome will be…”yes, contact me again or no get the hell out of my life”. How will that decision effect us…Richard and I and our decision to tell Spencer about him and when.

SO much to think about so much to decide and so much excitement and anxiety…good golly

more later.

something to write about but no time….

I have something adoption related to post about but no time right now….PLEASE come back and read and help me process…it is not anything BAD.

I suppose that I should have added a bit more…

…I have a friend who wants to get some adoption things out . She is not wanting everyone and Joe reading. She does not want a blog permenantly.. she wants to have adoption people give her some feed back.  So for her, I said I would take the blog private for a few weeks let her work out some issues and then open it back up again.  So what I am thinking (and Della this is no reflection on you because I have had a couple non adoption involved people email me privately, and the next time you meet up down here with Debbie I would love to actually meet you!!) I will be taking the blog private for about a month maybe a hair longer…then make her posts private and open it back up again. How does that sound or work.  I could email those of you who want to come back and read here again…or not…I really don’t want anyone to feel like I am excluding them…I have some of you who are loyal readers and check in every day (and I appreciate that you are interested in me and the family), who are not in the adoption world. I don’t want you guys to feel like there is some big conspiracy going on…just a friend who wants to works somethings out.

Our favorites…and a little more

SO the Christmas gifts that were favorite this year…

Dad….lots of new cold weather shirts

mom…hand mixer

Spencer…Digital Camera

Griffin…all the blue things he got: Blue bike Helmet, Blue Radio/cd player

it was a great morning of leisure and fun…it took much longer to open gifts as Griffin wanted to explore each gift…Spencer was let’s get ’em all open and then explore them…they are funny boys…

Today we took a trip down to Oma and Opa’s house. We had a date set up with Aunt Judy who is in town from Baltimore for a few days for Christmas….we could not miss out on this opportunity to see her. We took her to lunch at the Olive Garden and we all got to talk with her and see how she is liking life in Baltimore…It was a really nice visit. We head back down to Oma and Opa’s for our Christmas with them in nine days.  The boys are really excited for that too.  I think we are extremely lucky that we have conected so well with the whole family and that both the boys are able to have an Oma and Opa…Griffin is loved and welcomed like he was their birth grand child. WE ARE BLESSED…